1. Aroma de Crayon:
We chewed our crayons in Kindergarten but despite our culinary experimentation with "non-toxic" craft-time supplies, we never quite trained our palates (or our noses) to fancy the flavor and smell of waxy coloring sticks. Paste, on the other hand, well...we're still undecided there.
Again, bad childhood memories. Please stop, or we'll probably put ourselves to bed early - without dessert - and throw a nuclear tantrum all over your meanie wine brand. My wine should never smell like boiled cabbage, spinach, or any other nightmarish cheese and veggie quiche mom thought she knew how to cook. Unless your mom is Giada.
3. Dog Breath:
Don't let your wine smell like this, and, please DON'T let it taste like it. If this is your thing, you're definitely a sick puppy, I hate you. Just kidding, I love you, you're totes cute and cuddly, but stay the hell away from me.
You can try to educate us ad infinitum that sometimes bitter is good in wine, but all I hear is, "blah, blah, blah, I'm a sadist and I tear the heads off of dolls." Bitter is the opposite of smooth. Bionic Bitter is the arch enemy of Super Smooth. Bitter is evil. He's a nasty, taste-killing villain trying to give Smooth a hippy beat-down. Bitter never wins though, somehow Smooth rises up in the end to spank the self-righteous ass of Bitter. Then, an epic action movie is made about the saga - with a rather crappy sequel.
5. Sour (not tangy-tart, F-ing SOUR!):
My ex-girlfriend is sour. My ex, ex-girlfriend is even sour-er. Please don't make my wine sour. I beg of you. I don't think I can handle any more insults, threats, or threatening insults. It's too painful. Are you listening? Do you even care? Don't mock me! One more sour wine and I might have to get my own apartment. Yes, it's an ultimatum. I don't want to argue anymore. What's for dinner?
Does your wine pair well with olive oil? Awesome! I'll just pour half of the bottle down the drain, fill the rest with extra virgin and give it a solid shake. I will then pour it all the hell over about twenty heads of chopped iceberg lettuce, mix in some thick-sliced red onions, seasoned croutons, ugly-ass black olives, limp pepperocinis, and sell that shit by-the-hefty bag to the Olive Garden restaurant. Endless salad Italiano! - Your server will be happy to grind Parmesan on top to your heart's content.
7. Alcoholic Astringent Acid Bath:
Nail polish remover? Ok, let me get this straight: you grew juicy, luscious, fruity grapes, squeezed out their juices, barrel fermented them juices, and turned them 'shits' into nasal-burning, throat-stripping, nail polish removing acid, and then tried to sell it to me ... to drink? Why? Seriously! What the hell?! You're a special kind of crazy. Yes, you are.
To be continued...
What are some of the tastes/smells you don't like in your wine? Share below.
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